zondag 15 juni 2008

FW: Baasje gezocht !! Spoed! ivm zomervakantie

baasje gezocht

Help ME AUB!!!

Hallo,

Ze zijn nog geen week oud , en ik kan ze niet allemààl houden...

De kleintjes mogen weg voor 3 euro per stuk,

en als het echt moet verkoop ik de moeder ook wel, voor 20 euro.

Laat je hart spreken en adopteer er eentje, aub.

klik effe op de link hieronder voor een foto...

groetjes

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Oja, het is weer...

vrijdag 13 juni 2008

Nederland-Frankrijk



...en dat op vrijdag de 13e...

Microsoft' source code

************************************************************
************************************************************
**********WARNING!!********WARNING!!**********WARNING!!********
* Danger Will Robinson, Danger!! This is not original material....it was
*
* swiped from usenet (hey it's funny anyway) at alt.tasteless.=04=04jokes
*
* I do not have info on who posted it but here it is!!!
*

TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!

Look what we've intercepted from Microsoft after a week of hard-
hacking their computer system:

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define soon way_in_the_future
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=3Dripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=3DTRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on an 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32-bit architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 meg");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
b*stard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account > skyhigh && marriage > two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, @lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are angry at us
*/
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_to_wait_year_after_year_
for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complains)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */
}
}

maandag 9 juni 2008

Roadragers - doe zelf de test

Testlink: [klikje]



Safety:

You are a Safe Driver
Your Safety Score: 62.5 %

The average score among all people who have recently taken this test is 69.19%

Aggressiveness:

You are a Marginally Aggressive Driver
Your Degree of Aggressiveness: 57.5 %

The average score among all people who have recently taken this test is 57.02%

Courtesy:

You are a Courteous Driver
Your Courtesy Score: 67.5 %

The average score among all people who have recently taken this test is 73.75%

Rage:

You are a Potential Road Rager
Your Degree of Rage: 60 %

The average score among all people who have recently taken this test is 55.55%%

Nieuwe Fokke&Sukke EXTRAgratisz!

Downloadlink: klikkerdeklik

Zie je dat je op het werk wel hogerop kunt komen!

Errorhumor bij FotoXS

Alternatief voor sneeuwkettingen

Weer dichterbij het EK...


Kleintje Jagermeister IRL

zondag 8 juni 2008

Dilbert quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

"One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

"As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper"(Taco Bell Corporation)

"This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them" (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

Dit mag dus niet...


zaterdag 7 juni 2008

ihatemyitdepartment.com




Het woordenboek
Wat zijn de woorden en afkortingen die aangeven wat we echt menen of bedoelen?


any key
Speciale toets op het toetsenbord van de systeem programmeur. Wanneer het system zegt "Press any key", doe geen moeite, want tenzij je een expert bent, zul je de toets niet vinden.

beta release
Werkt nog steeds niet, maar de alpha release heeft de board nog steeds niet overtuigd en daarom hebben we meer geld nodig.

Cursor
Computer user die niets aan het werk krijgt.

Debugging
Extra mensen inhuren om support-telefoontjes van ziedende klanten aan te nemen omdat jij ze net hebt verteld dat de afdeling ontwikkeling zweert dat het wel werkt.

ESP
Extra Sensory Perception – het process waarbij door middel van het Early Support Program klanten de details van een product leren kennen, terwijl de afdeling geen idee heeft hoe het werkt

ETLA
Extended Three Letter Acronym. Zie ook VETLA

Filter
Een onderdeel ter waarde van 20 eurocent, die een vluchtige onderhoudsinspectie ter waarde van 1000 euro zou moeten rechtvaardigen.

Firmware
Software met bugs die het product zullen overleven.

Foutmelding
Beknopte maar weinig informatieve tekst gemaakt om gebruikers te irriteren met als boodschap dat het probleem volledig hun schuld is.

Gender bender
Een onderdeel dat wordt gebruikt om vrouwtje aan vrouwtje of mannetje aan mannetje stekkers te verbinden. Niet verwarren met een vendor bendor, waarbij ook stekkers gebruikt kunnen worden.

Java
Just A Vague Approximation.

LART
Luser (sic) Attitude Readjustment Tool.

LSPR
Largely Spurious Pricing Racket.

Luser
Waardeloze gebruiker

Maintenance-free
Niet te repareren.

MIPS
Misleading Indication of Processor Speed – ooit gezien als de meest misleidende manier om de presaties van de PC aan te duiden, waarvoor nu MSUs wordt gebruikt – die met opzet verdraaide waarheden weergeven.

MSUs
Misappropriated Service Units – units die ooit een redelijke indicator waren van het werk dat een system uitvoerde, maar die verloren is gegaan aan marketing.

NDA
Nominally Deniable Announcement – het proces waarbij een geheim wordt verteld aan iemand die zich heeft toegewijd aan het doorvertellen ervan.

oops
Een woord dat door systeem programmeurs, network administrators en air traffic controllers wordt gebruikt, bedoeld om iedereen binnen gehoorafstand de stuipen op het lijf te jagen.

PEBKAC
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

P'n'P
Plug and Pray

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics.

POF
Piss Off Factor

Response time

De interval tussen het drukken op de enter-knop en er spijt van hebben. Meestal gemeten in Ohneeseconden.

SCSI
System Can't See It.

SCSI-2
System Can't See It again.

SNAFU

Situation Normal: All Fucked Up. De situatie is een puinhoop, zoals gewoonlijk.

UBD
User Brain Damage

User
Een irritant geluid aan de andere kant van de lijn. Er zijn drie typen gebruikers:
novice – bang om ook maar een toets aan te raken
intermediate – in staat om ergens op de drukken maar niet in staat om de daaruit voortkomende problemen op te lossen
experts – maakt de computers van anderen stuk. En rekent er geld voor.

User-friendly

Onderdeel dat ooit heel logisch was voor de ontwerper – die toen waarschijnlijk onder invloed was.

WWW

World Wide Wait.





Ways for the IT department to piss off users
of Anti-tips om gebruikers gek te krijgen

1. Standaard USB-poorten ‘disabelen’ en vervolgens cursussen op USB-stick uitdelen.

2. Een te kleine mailbox en deze na 30 dagen deleten.

3. Updates midden op de dag.

4. (Un)intelligent voice response als doolhof waar je niet meer uitkomt.

5. Om 16:59 niet meer bereikbaar als servicedesk en pas om 08:31 opnemen.

6. In discussie gaan over de prioriteit (impact en urgentie).

7. Een door IT geleverd product niet meer ondersteunen (vervangend beleid).

8. Geen contact info op de site van de servicedesk.

9. ‘Maxed network storage, and no back-up systems’ zodat je niet verder kunt.

10. Nieuwe werkplekken die maar niet komen, waardoor je zes weken na je indiensttreding nog steeds geen werkplek hebt, laat staan alle toegangsrechten.

Kijk uit waar je rijdt...